| Do people still exist? here? |
[Oct. 6th, 2003|09:12 pm] |
Hey for those who still actually check this baby, you must be die hard fans of the sort, so i wanted to tell you my wacky writings are now being resumed on a DAILY basis at
http://www.beingfamous.com
so check it out and i hope you enjoy the show..
amir's live journal ends.....
now.
does anybody remember... my first entry? |
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| oh my god i just saw a monkey. |
[Sep. 22nd, 2003|09:21 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  apathetic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Music - Instruments | ] |
jay kay!
Umm i had an accounting midterm today.
The professor was so mean because when i came in to take it, he looked at me and said, in an australian accent, "Good Luck..." then i swear under his breath he muttered: "because youre jewish you dont need good luck all you money grubbing semites are good for nothing vermin if it wasnt for the stupid united states there would be none of you left i hope you get no lower then a C+ because you shouldnt do so badly that youre sad, but i would be HAPPY if you got a B-. There, im done muttering."
So you could imagine my SHOCK! WHEN THIRTY MINUTES INTO MY TEST HE WAS STILL MUTTERING THAT LONG PARAGRAPH TO ME!
un boo lee vah bull!
time for pro's/cons/inbetweens
Pro's:
new article of mine at http://www.collegehumor.com . its funny because its me doing what i do best: make fun of other people. its autobiographical which is good too.
Con's:
ACCOUNTING TEST! ! ! ! EWW W W W W !! SCHOOL IS GROOSOSOSOSOSOSSSS!!!
In Betweens;
the new movie at beingfamous. its not UNFUNNY and i think i enjoy it, however a lot of people really dont liek it. I dunno whether its BAD or maybe because all our other movies have raised the bar, but i dont know what to say. watch it, let me know how "truly bad" it is.
I wonder what time it is in uruguay riiiight....
... now!
I havent shaved in three weeks and i can almost... ALMOST tell.
i played basketball today, and it wasnt that big of a game, just a couple two on two between friends so i didnt keep INSANELY intricate stats, but heres a few that i remember.
pts - 10
rebs - 19
(offensive rebounds - 8)
assists - 1
turnovers - 3 (though one wasnt entirely my fault.)
Field goal % - 59
Free throw % - N/A
Assist:turnover ratio: 1 to 3
Assist:turnover:fieldgoal% ratio: 1 to 3 to 59
Dribbles - 393
Dribbles per minute - 23
Dribbles per assist:turnover:fieldgoal% ratio: 23 to 1 to 3 to 59.
I thought of a funny joke:
It doesnt matter whether you come in first, second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, eigth...*ninehourslater*.. or ninth place. Sorry i had to run a marathon.
im gonna use it somewhere...
somehowwwwww!
jay kay.
-amir b.
PS - does anybody remember THE GRAPE ESCAPE |
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| is it worth it? Let me work it. |
[Sep. 15th, 2003|02:08 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | okay | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Sweet home alabama - reese witherspoon (F/ Chicago) | ] |
This really has dwindled down to a shiney dented nub of a journal. I thought the new design for beingfamous would be up,and the transition to the daily writings on that page would be seemless, however the best laid plans are often ... umm... not...coming true... yah.
ahem.
so anywayyys. We shot abotu 2 and ahalf videos over the weekend. One of which should be good. the other is still risky, and the half is so risky we might not even finish it. As always the final edition and the mental initial edition are often too different. However, i would like to make these little videos for aliving, so these are they ways i have figured out how to make a career out of making a career out of making short videos.
1) Make short videos and compile them into a feature film that america loves. Sounds easy, AND i would get millions of dolllars...for some reason.
2) make short videos and then win the lottery... for some reason.
3) Make short videos for a website that grows in such popularity that i am forced to travel the country showing film festivals and talking before and after them while signing autographs for orphans without parents, as well as redundant phrases that repeat ideas.
4) make a DVD of funny videos and sell it for 900 dollars a piece. it would only take 1,000 sals for me to become a billionaire.!
5) ugh! Double up ugh ugh!
6) Find a really rich old man, sleep with him, and video tape that. then sell that tape as smut porn, and include wacky videos in there. then i become a cult classic. plus the money that i steal from the old man, i can buy a cool dv cam ! ! !
funny words:
Pubis. I dont know what it means, but its funny to say. Pubis. Pubis.
Anus. I like the way that word looks more then the way it sounds, but its funnier then saying asshole.
EX: You are a grade a ANUS
or
EX: Uranus is my favorite asshole.
WHAAA?A?A??A
the weather last week went from:
Raining --> insanely hot --> naturally chilly.
Shake youre knees when you walk everybody.
Right down to thur. Down to thur.
I ordered a JerrY Seinfeld DVD the other day and lemme tell you, I couldnt be happier.
Kay time to watch pardon the interruption.
DOES ANYBODY REMEMBER:
Viva Variety.
Did i say that before?
i hate repeating myself.
*insert any line from the above update as joke.*
-Amir Bee
ps - All the leaves are brown, all the leaves are brown. And the sky is cake. |
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| Ive been busier then gary busy. i mean busey. i mean... |
[Sep. 10th, 2003|03:07 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  jealous | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Right Thurr - Hugh Grant (f/ chingy.) | ] |
Yes yes yall
and i wont stop
to the beat yall.
and i wont stop.
*ad nauseum*
lets cut to the point here, i havent updated in a while but that is only so i can work on other stuff to make you laugh HARDER THEN TEXT! im speaking of course about AUDIO! and VIDEO! TOGETHER!! ! ! ! ! !
thats right, ACCOUNTING HOMEWORK!
no thats wrong silly goose, im talking of course about ACCOUNTING HOMEWORK!
wrong again, silly cornish game hen, im talking about THE ALL NEW BEINGFAMOUS.COM VIDEO!! ! !
(see since collegehumor never decided to use this blog as an actual part of this site, i can hack my warez to the 40 or so users left... *suckles on blog for nutrients.*
Its going to debut tonite at midnight pacific time so go to http://www.beingfamous.com/movies.php and if its there, then watch it! its very specialized to the born in , or around 1983 crowd, so i hope you enjoy. its to the theme of saved by the bell, but the motiffs run deeper than the color purple. the book. the color.
what else what ellllssseee....
Did i mention i go to school? *nervous laughter, attempts at tap dancing...*
The weather is good in california. Im not really privy to bad weather. Do any of you guys experience crappy weather often?
let me know so i can feel even better about myself. *Tans on the radiant glow of my monitor, then closes the shades even more.*
i better leave now before i get TOOO funny.
-Amir b.
ps - does anybody remember "Crocodile Mile" |
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| Beginning of the End of the Beginning. |
[Sep. 5th, 2003|04:11 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | melancholy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | One hand clapping - Have i done this joke already? | ] |
Lets get a couple administrative things out of the way early today.
It took me 14 minutes, I believe the closest guess was in fact 8 hours? Though my math may be off.
This will probably be the second, third, or fourth to last livejournal i'll write because I am going to start writing stuff for my real website, and there is no need to repeat what i say in two locations *as i pack you guys up and move you to beingfamous.com* . More info on that as it develops.
I saw a guy today with a giant eye, i didnt know what to say and i didnt know what to do and i didnt know what sort of "queer eye for the straight guy" joke to make. So i just said "Talk about, Giant Eye for the ... normal... guy.... Hey is that a carrot!?"
But carrot top was walking right next to me and he just shrugged and was like "Whaaat! cant i make a fucking commercial about saving with one eight hundred see aye el el ay cee tee without being hounded like a fucking VEGETABLE!!"
But muhammad Ali was right there and he murmured something to the effect of "Whaaaat! cant i receive 20 years of punishable brain damage without being refferred to as Dave Coulier?"
And uncle joey was walking by and hes like "Who the fuck is dave coulier... fucking faggot."
And im like WOO!!!! UNCLE JOEY IS A HOMOPHOBE!
DOES ANYBODY REMEMBER THAT SONG: Tap the bottle AND twist the cap.
One time my friend judy *aaasiiiaaannnn* said that they wanted her to work january 2nd and she was pissed and i said WHY and she said ITS LIKE 2 DAYS AFTER DECEMBER 25th. So what i want you to do is instant message "ThursdayPhu" and tell her that january 2nd is nt two days after december 25th and that Amir says your asian. Then again she might be reading this now because she tends to do that sorta thing and PREEMPTIVELY get mad at me, but do it anyways. copy and paste the convo into a comment. make a game of it. i dunno okay im just a jew.
I bought a 2000 piece puzzle today, which is a lot. But i looked for the craziest puzzle this place had and it was 18,000 pieces, weighed 9 pounds, cost $199.99*
i had seasoned fries today. i wouldnt say theyre better then regular fries, just different, and better.
Kay schools done for the week and i feel like running a naked MOCK! or is it just amock is one word, or is it a muck. either way, a muck will be mucked and i will be naked for it.
GOOD DAY SIRS.
-amir b.
*price subject to change, check specific store for local details, void where prohibited, if it doesnt say micromachines its not the real thing. |
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| New Craze: Selling Books. |
[Sep. 3rd, 2003|12:01 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  hopeful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | No music. - John lennon | ] |
I recently discovered selling old textbooks on half.com! Its amazing. I sold 3 old crappy textbooks for like 130 bucks, while the bookstore would have given me like 20 bucks for them.
So with the 110 extra dollars i can donate it to charity and get into heaven.
... JAY KAY!
I feel almost fully recovered from vomit fest '03, which is good because nobody likes the heaves. Unless your just mispronouncing the Hives. In which case, the heaves are a great great scotish rockband... i think.
Away messages are becoming more and more a huge part of my life. I try not to reuse them, but i usually whip out some classics time and time again (Showering: Australian for Beer.)
I dunno if this WORM VIRUS is affecting all of you guys but i have like 50 emails a week that are MESSAGE UNDELIVERABLE and its frankly starting to annoy me. At least the ILOVEYOU Virus made me feel warm and cuddly, this one just makes me feel Carm and wuddly. What you have just witnessed is a spoonerism, i repeat a spoonerism.
im redesigning my website to include writing on the front page by me, so hopefully my dream of writing funny stuff online for people to read will be realized... *silence... this text stares at you, then fades out of computer into your living room, you stare into the camera, the camera man vomits, pan out from the vomit... annnnnd end scene.*
Being sick By Amir B.:
Being sick makes you jealous of the most minute things. Just looking at my roomate walk to the bathroom and take a dump i was in complete awe of his ability to walk without becoming nauseous and dump without it sounding like he was pouring water into the toilet. "oh wow, you can drink water without knowing that itll come back up in 30 minutes in the form of stomach acid and bile? Wow, how... how does that feeel... * i begin rubbing his face for nutrients *"
Oh wow, where has the time gone?
Screenames with numbers at the end of it are lame. It means that your name isnt original enough to stand alone.
...or that you really really like your birthday.
I like it when i Laugh.
...i DONT like it, when i laugh then vomit blood.
The more i think about it the more i appreciate:
1) yarn.
2) To Do Lists
3) To yarn lists
4) Sugar.
5) To sugar lists
6) To sugar yarn
7) Sugar... yarn... *breaks down like robot*
I would like you all to guess how long it took me to write this journal entry, i will post the correct time after EIGHT guesses have been placed. Thats right, EIGHT GUESSES and i will post again.
its time to give back, mother fucker.
-amir b.
ps - does anybdoy remember: Wheres waldo in hollywood. |
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| i vomitted blood. |
[Sep. 2nd, 2003|08:49 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sick | ] |
i was sick all day yesterday and i vomitted blood.
think thats lame? Well how much blood did YOU vomit yesterday?
tswat i thought.
- im kinda too weak to be funny but heres some stuff i prewrote that should be good: http://www.collegehumor.com enjoy. |
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| Top Ten |
[Aug. 31st, 2003|07:01 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  creative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Theme from a nofx album - Gilligans Island Girls | ] |
Im feeling top tenny today so ill do that instead of writing
TOP TEN THINGS TO DO TO YOUR NEW ROOMATE AT COLLEGE:
10) cut his/her hair while their sleeping and cry while your doing it loud enough to wake them up.
9) When they offer you food just say "oh no thanks im allergic to gravy." Regardless of the food they offer.
8) Insist they call you "Gene" unless your name is "Gene" Then insist they just call you.
7) Always bake really good treats like cookies and leave them on his desk with a post it "DO NOT EAT" on top.
6) Tell them you have tourrets as well as diarrhea.
5) Wear the same shirt for the first year, then never see that person again.
4) Always read their away messages and crack up whole heardily even if its an away message about being at a funeral.
3) Ask them what the date is today, then start tearing up and say "I broke up with my girlfriend one year ago today." Do that every day.
2) When they walk into a room always say OH I SAVED YOU A SEAT, and point to their chair.
and the number one thing to do to your new roomate:
1) On the first day you meet your new roomate tell him/her that your a huge beatles fan. Say you collect all of their records and love all of their songs. Then get your haircut like the beatles. Then as time goes on begin only eating bread crumbs and cheese. Stop shaving or showering until your roomate grows concerned. When they arent looking bludgeon them over the head with a hardcover novella about the beatles. Then as you nosh on their brain and gnaw on their skull, just mutter "why didnt you love the beatles as much as i did? why didnt you even like "shes got a ticket to ride." But the key is: you have to drool on their decomposed face and neck, or else its just not funny.
i better go cook dinner now, i hear we're having Turducken!
-Amir b.
ps - Does Anybody Remember: Sit Ubu Sit! Good dog. |
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| Returned...but for how long. |
[Aug. 28th, 2003|05:05 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  infuriated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Hum Dinger - Mozart (f/Mozdef) | ] |
School has returned again but that doesnt matter.
What DOES matter is that i went to the dentist today.
Visits to the dentist will never get pleasant. Sure theyre better than when you were a kid, but I still dont like it when he hurts me. *sucks on lollipop.*
My least favorite is when he is scraping and poking at my gums and when it bleeds hes like HAVE YOU BEEN FLOSSING?
-NO I HAVENT BEEN FLOSSING WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME BLEEED!?!?!?!?
- I mean, umm... occasionally...
He also took x - rays of my teeth which is probably the coolest part of the dentist visit. You bite on film and he places this huge ass concoction pointed towards your face, then LEAVES THE ROOM to take the picture. I'm wondering why he leaves the room to take the picture yet im biting on some shit and fully exposed to the harmful rays, save for maybe a LEAD VEST, and he's seven rooms down the hall in a DUCK AND COVER position taking a picture like its releasing a nuclear bomb.
just.
not.
fair.
but its still cool.
In a completely unrelated story i think im going to start flossing with lead vests. or is it Led Vests. or is it Led Zeppelin?
the answer is somewhere out there, but not quite tangible enough. or is it tangeble enough, or is it Led Zeppelin?
I have an 8am class tomorrow, which may seem fine for you high schoolers out there but for me, its like imagine the following:
50 hours of consecutive awake time then you finally fall asleep at 5am and you have class at 6. THATS HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME! *opens mouth, butler comes over and places three nacho's into my mouth, and i spit one out and say "dammit mortimur, i said THREE NACHOS!"
- But sir, they were three nachos!
- Dont correct me boy *whip sound on machine. whip sound on machine.*
*
I am redesigning my website and i am supposed to add a section to it but im not quite sure what to add... YET.
or is it led zeppelin?
Okay im going to eat brownies.
-amir b.
ps - as i chase after 8 year old girl scouts...because theyre delivering brownies... to not me.
pps - does anybody remember ABC's original sitcom NORM. |
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| Brack in Brekeley |
[Aug. 24th, 2003|10:31 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | lazy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | September 11th tribute - C&C music factory | ] |
6 hours of driving and i find myself back in the city no greater from WHENST I LEFT IT... except i did see a new chinese restaurant... *shakes fist at city thats now greater from WHENST i left it*
i start school tomorrow (EWW!!! SCHO!!O!O!O!OLLS GROOOSSS!!O!SSO!) and i coudlnt be happier.
what makes school even harder at the beginning of the year are guests that visit from other colleges NOT going to school hovering around you reminding you that they are not going to school and that you are going to school. school schoolity school school.
Favorite soup of the moment: Creamy Corn Soup
Favorite moment of the soup: When its still... hot.
see what i did up there? its called comedy. learn it, live it, and love it bub. *flicks cigar on your face*
I put a water bottle cap on my chapstick and now its like its wearing a hat. its sooo cute!!!!
I like to consider myself an ageless wonder because i resemble a 12 year old and i like sounding like a superhero.
other names to consider: Boy-Guy , Goy-buy, and rubber baby buggy bumpers.
We are out of milk. Find out all my sisters and me. (to the tune of we are family.)
so i suppos that means its EGGS FOR EVERYONE!
...cept you. *Glares at chicken-- hes just confused.*
Im doing sheet laundry, which is like regular laundry but... YA KNOW!!!
kay i have to get eating
peas.
-Amir B
ps - DOES ANYBODY REMEMBER: Scrabbles illigitamate uncle: UPwords. |
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